Gentle mothering in action, part 1
After my previous post about the recent tragedy in the news I am feeling inspired to share what it is that we do here in our house when it comes to discipline. I’m going to make it a series so the posts don’t get too long. Though at this point I only have 2 posts in mind. We’ll call this first installment: What I am not saying and why.
Charley is nearly 20 months now and definitely reaching the age of boundary testing. She is a full-fledged toddler who throws fits when she is told no and lashes out with her body when she is frustrated. In general Charlotte has a very sweet temperament, she is more prone to sad crying than angry screaming and she is very much a first born in that she responds very well to positive reinforcement. She loves to “please” and be cheered on when she obeys. But there have been moments when I’m not sure how to respond to something she is doing. I set down a boundary and then have to figure out how to get her to respect it, and that is not always easy. I have had moments when I think a spanking or a time out is my only option…but Andy & I have agreed that before instituting either of these methods we will discuss it and make a plan for how it would be applied. This is helpful in keeping me from reacting in the heat of a moment in a way I would regret later.
So for this first installment let me clarify a few things that I am NOT saying.
First, I am not necessarily 100% against any and all spankings. As I grow older and get farther in my parenting journey though, it makes less & less sense to me. I have friends who use it the “right way” and have lovely children. But these are emotionally health adults who, for example in one family, were able to use discernment to realize that spanking was totally ineffective with one of their children and stopped using it because did not work for her. So I’ve seen people spanking “the right way” is, I suppose, the way to say it. And still, it is illogical to me. No matter the packaging in which you wrap it, in my mind it is always about physical power being exerted over another, fear, and conditioning. No matter what Tedd Tripp says I don’t think a spanking changes a child’s heart, I think it changes a behavior so the child can avoid a spanking. I also think spanking is easier more often than not than other options. It’s quick, decisive, over & done, and with many kids it works. They stop misbehaving. You can just look at them and say “Do you want a spanking?” and they immediately stop what they’re doing. A lot of what we do with Charley takes much longer than that, but I will argue is also more effective.
All of that said, I strongly believe that emotionally health parents who agree together that spanking within reason is how they will discipline their children have the right to do so without me looking down my nose at them.
Secondly, I don’t hate time outs. I think they can work well, but I plan to use them in two ways: 1. As a cool-down zone for a kid who is overwhelmed and can’t control themselves; becoming dangerous to themselves & others and 2. To head off a possible problem. As in if I see a freak out coming, removing the child to a quiet place before it happens so they can make a better choice. So, that’s how I see a time out as a useful tool. I should also add that I don’t think a time out where a kid has to be alone is always helpful or effective. Often I think a child can calm down faster and get to a place of being able to apologize and move forward more quickly with an adult present to help them. Although I do think, based on personality and certainly age, that some kids do benefit from alone time.