Knit Together

It’s that time again. Monday! This week there was no racking my brain for a topic. It came to me quite naturally while at the zoo with my family on Saturday. We were enjoying a lovely morning at the zoo when I realized it was time to nurse Matthew, who is 8 months old. I figured I’d find an out of the way spot and use my nursing cover a la bebe au lait when lo and behold I realized: I didn’t have my cover! I didn’t even have a blanket! I had nothing with which I could cover myself to feed my son.

There was a time, when my daughter was an infant, when I would have panicked. Or more likely I’d have had my back up bottle and formula and fed her that instead of nursing her. But Matthew has never HAD formula (and no, I don’t wear this as some kind of badge of honor or mark of my “better mommy than you” status, I promise, I’m simply stating the fact).

But I still thought perhaps I’d find a bench behind a tree or in a closed exhibit (see headline: Nursing Mother Arrested at LA Zoo for Illegally Entering Closed Elephant Exhibit!). As I wandered around the immediate area I found a bench no one would really be walking by facing a building that held a closed exhibit, hurray! Except it was in the sun. Like, I’d be sweating and blinded by sunlight. There was another bench around the corner that was in the shade, with a back to lean against, but it was right in a thoroughfare where lots of people would be passing by. Hm… So I had to feed my baby, in public, and I had do it, well, rather publically.

So I sat down and got down to business. And of course Matthew wasn’t just latching on quietly and doing his thing quick & easy. Oh no, Mr. Busy Pants had to squirm and cry and latch and look around and yell at me and squirm some more first. This is a very important part of the nursing an older baby process, or so my son tells me anyway.

But heck, it had to be done so we did it. At first I sat there feeling very self-concious and thinking I might be able to will myself into invisibility. But the longer we sat there nursing (aka wrestling) the more I started channeling the strength & wisdom of my mama friends who have btdt (been there done that). I held my head up, I looked at people as they walked by, realized what was going on and looked away quickly. I thought “You have a problem? Screw you!” (Uh, this is a REAL post, right?)

Okay, so I wasn’t really feeling that aggressive, but I was feeling confident. This is how you feed babies. This is what breasts are FOR. Breasts have been nourishing babies for far longer than they’ve been plastered on billboards and playboys. THIS is their true design and function so everyone can just get over it already.

I felt quite powerful in fact, a la my imaginary friend Camille. And you know what? I felt very, very REAL.

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July 26th, 2010 | Category: MOR Monday, Motherhood | Comments (8)

Since becoming a mother I have noticed an interesting phenomenon. We Mom’s, we take things personally. If I am talking to another Mom and say something like “My daughter just loves Dora!” (that’s a TV show character for those without toddlers.), and this other Mom responds with something like “Oh, my kids don’t watch any TV.”. I feel deflated. I feel judged. I feel like a loser mom. Now, this “Other Mom” didn’t say “Wow! That’s horrible! I can’t believe you let your daughter watch TV! You’re rotting her brain!”, she simply stated a fact. And it’s a very appropriate thing to say since it explains why her child wouldn’t know who Dora is, right?

And it works both ways. My husband & I chose not to circumcise our son. This decision was based on our own research and discussion that this was the best thing for him. It was difficult for some friends & family to understand and at first I wasn’t sure why. Then I realized that it is a lot like the TV incident. The logic goes like this:

I did not circumcise my son -àI believe circumcision to be unnecessary and possibly even wrong -àYou did circumcise your son à I believe YOU ARE WRONG.

And this is why it’s hard to be friends with parents if your parenting choices are really different. The same thing goes for choices about vaccines (we do), spanking (we don’t), organic  food (a little), and all of the other difficult choices parents have to make every single day. There is a part of me that believes we should live and let live. As long as you are making these choices based on your love for your kids and what you believe to be the best thing for your family then it’s none of my business.

Now I might still think that there is an ideal, or that the way I am choosing to do something is better than what another Mom has chosen. But I might be wrong. The reality though is that as much as I don’t want the choices I make for my family to be a judgment of anyone else, it kind of is. That “Other Mom” doesn’t let her kids watch TV because she believes it’s bad, or a waste of time, or harmful to them…so she disagrees with my choice. What I am working on, what I think we all need to work on, is separating our choices as parents from who we are as people. It is possible that I am making a bad choice. That does not define me as mother, or a woman.

My hope is that I can convey that to my mommy friends. That I would be a friend who is compassionate, encouraging, and willing to hash things out when big decisions need to be made, even if we don’t agree in the end. And it’s okay to disagree, because it needs to be okay for me to think your choice to spank is wrong and it needs to be okay for you to think my choice to let my kids watch TV is wrong. Because this is my new motto:

I am more than sum total of the choices I make. I am wonderfully & fearfully made, and am grateful that my children have a heavenly Father who loves them more dearly than I ever could.

July 19th, 2010 | Category: MOR Monday, Parenting Decisions | Comments (8)

“I am bigger than you, therefore you have to do what I say. So there.”

Does that sound like something a 5th grader might say to a classmate? Yes, it does to me too. Which is why it’s pretty embarrassing that I often find myself parenting as if this were my motto. Charlotte is 2 years old and yes I know the old saying “Terrible 2’s!” but we really haven’t found this to be the case. Charley is basically a very compliant child who is eager to please and help. Despite this propensity toward obedience we of course still have our “moments”.

Ideally, when Charlotte is making a poor choice and choosing not to obey I stay calm. I use tools like playfulness or offering her a choice to help her obey. A great example is when I tell her it’s time for her nap and she says “No Nap!” shaking her little finger at me. So I say “Charley, it is time for your nap. But here is your choice! You can walk to your room OR I can carry you! What do you choose?” and I make it sound like the most important choice ever. And shockingly, this stuff WORKS. She feels good for making a “good choice” and I feel good to have helped her do that.

But. Yes of course there is a but. There are days when I am too tired, too frustrated, too mommied-out to work that hard. There are days when I want to just pick her up and take her to her room ignoring her frustrated cries.

I had been thinking about this MOR Monday post over the weekend and wasn’t sure what topic I would choose. I was feeling very uninspired and then last night, voila! I royally screwed up and here I am with a great post…unfortunately.

It was time for Charlotte to go to bed, which she was not protesting. We had finished her bath and I was just starting to brush her teeth. As I started to sing the alphabet song and brush she clamped her mouth down and refused to let me brush. I said “Charlotte, open wide. Mommy has to brush your teeth.” She refused.

I interrupt this story for some background information: Charley has never minded having her teeth brushed. Our routine is that I brush them for her while singing the alphabet song then give her the toothbrush and she brushes them for one round of the same song. This last week she’s wanted to skip my “turn” and do it herself, but with a little coaxing/reminding she lets me brush her teeth.

So this behavior was very unusual for her. That SHOULD have made me stop to think “Why is she doing this?”. But it didn’t. Because I already KNEW. She is a TERRIBLE 2 YEAR OLD!! She is being DISOBEDIENT! So I squeezed the sides of her cheeks to force her mouth open and started brushing. She yanked her head away from me (almost falling off her stool) and started crying big crocodile tears. She was shaking head saying “No teeth Mama! No teeth!”. I was just about to put her in a head lock because I AM THE BOSS (seriously, this was my thought process…in my head I sounded like a 2 year old) when I noticed that the toothbrush in my hand was pink.

Yes. It was pink. With blood. My child’s blood. My heart sank into stomach. I put the toothbrush down and gently asked her to show me her teeth, promising “No teeth”. She obeyed now that offending weapon was not in my hand. Her K-9 teeth are coming in (something I knew!) and the toothbrush had caused some bleeding at the spot where one is just breaking the surface.

Big sigh. I apologized, I gave her a hug. The thing about Charley is that if you say “I’m sorry” TO her she says it back. I think because she thinks you’re telling her to say it, but it’s so sweet because her sorry includes a gentle touch on your cheek. Now I wanted to cry.

I sang her 2 songs at bedtime that night instead of our usual 1 and gave her an extra snuggle.

This Mommy gig is hard. I didn’t write this so anyone would say “Oh, that’s not a big deal! You’re a great Mom!”. I just want other Mom’s who read this blog to know that sometimes I screw it up. Big time. I’m sure there are screw-ups in my future that will make this seem like no big deal…I’m absolutely sure of that. The thing is, I truly believe I am the best Mom for Charley. God gave her to me and I trust in Him to help me raise her, screw ups and all.

July 5th, 2010 | Category: MOR Monday | Comments (10)

It’s Monday! Okay, no, it’s actually Tuesday and yet again I am late at doing something. But when I explain the title of this post you will see how appropriate that is!

Some good friends of mine have started tossing around the idea lately of “ministry of reality”. It started with this lovely gal and then another lovely  lady had the idea to make it a blog series where we all participate. At some point we’ll get organized and link all of our blogs together.

So, what is Ministry of Reality? I think my friend does a great job explaining it so I will leave that to her and just jump right in.

What appealed to me most about this blog series idea is probably the overwhelming, nearly crippling at times, feeling of inadequacy I get when I read other mommy’s blogs. I read about the crafting, the cooking, the cleaning; the sewing, baking, gardening; the wonderful marriage that seem so blissful and the children who are memorizing Bible verses and praying for Haiti unprovoked. It sounds amazing…and it also sounds nothing like my life.

So I started talking about this with friends. I wondered if I really was the worst mother on the planet. And guess what I found out? I’m not. I’m NORMAL. I try hard, I fail hard. I try again. That is life. And I figure we all probably feel pretty inadequate at times and I never want to contribute to another mother’s struggle to “achieve” and “perform”. As women and mommy’s we are in a position to support each other in such unique ways and yet we so often hide our struggle and show only our shiny happy face to the world all the while hurting inside and if you’re like me feeling like you deserve a giant FAIL sign over your head most days.

And since I’m doing my first “Ministry of Reality Monday”  on a TUESDAY you have an excellent example of an area in which I struggle. I often have grand plans for things (for example my plan to compete in a triathlon this year…um…that isn’t happening) and MORE often fall quite short of my own expectations. I am sincerely hoping my plan to participate in this weekly blog series is not one of those things…

June 29th, 2010 | Category: MOR Monday | Comments (5)

Being the parent you are called to be…

First, thank you for all of the comments on my previous post! I enjoy reading others thoughts, especially since I know all of you and a little about where you are on your parenting journey. From single with no children but surrounded by them at work, to a Mom with twin toddlers it is certainly a wide range of people weighing in. And I think that’s important. We need to talk about these things. Good parenting doesn’t “just happen”. It takes thoughtfulness, weighing options, observing other families, and a lot of self-evaluation.

That last one is the most difficult for sure. As I parent my two young children I am constantly reminded of my own inadequacies and failings. It’s important, though, that I am realistic about who I am and how that will affect my parenting and my children. For example I know that I am a very passionate woman in many ways, that my emotions are volatile and always at the surface, apparent to everyone around me. This includes a quick temper and because I know that about myself I choose even more adamantly not to spank my children. I, very realistically, understand that for me, allowing spanking the “right way” will likely lead to me using it a very wrong way also. I work hard to embrace the parts of who I am that make me a great mama to my kids, and to try and change or improve the parts of my personality that can be harmful to them. But I am gentle with myself, because I am who God made me and while there is always room for improvement, I have to work within the boundaries of the woman God made me to be. I’m reading Eat, Pray, Love right now (by Elizabeth Gilbert) and I think she said it well here:

“God isn’t interested in watching you enact some performance of personality in order to comply with some crackpot notion you have about how a spiritual person looks or behaves.”

For this reason I have to also take a moment to express thankfulness for my husband. Andy is a wonderful father to our children. He’s playful, compassionate, affectionate, and completely interested in them. But what truly impresses me about my husband is that as we have started to deal with some defiance and boundary testing from Charlotte he has to work very hard against his natural inclinations in responding to her. When she cries desperately, her little heart broken, over some small (to us) injustice he WANTS to say “Oh, what a faker you are!”. When she defiantly plays with something he’s asked her not to, or looks at him and say “Do!”, he WANTS to maybe spank or put her in a time out. When she wakes up crying for the 4th time in the middle of the night he WANTS to ignore her.

But he doesn’t do any of those things. He chooses instead to validate her feelings and help her move forward (calling on his strengths by eliciting laughter where there once were tears), he gets down on her level and helps her to obey him with a firm but gentle tone and redirection, and he gets up, for the 4th time, to go and comfort her. He does these things because he, and we, believe that these are the choices that will help our daughter grow into the woman God desires her to be.  We’ve made these choices together, and even when it’s harder to get up than it is to ignore, or yell, we agree that it is worth the effort. That our kids are worth the effort.

Both Andy & I realize that we, and our children, benefit from us having a realistic view of ourselves. So while we sometimes have to work against a bad habit or something that was modeled for us in childhood, we also work to encourage each other in embracing the strengths we have. Andy is wonderful at making Charlotte feel safe, and making her laugh. He’s also endlessly patient when he’s teaching her something and always gently encouraging her to try something new.

Now we are not perfect, we fail constantly and our kids are the ones who suffer most often from our failures. But we ask for and offer forgiveness, and we just try and do better next time. That’s all any of us can really do.

(disclaimer: I do not believe that choosing to use spanking as a parenting tool and being an active, involved, loving parent are mutually exclusive. Please see my previous post for more on that.)

March 10th, 2010 | Category: Parenting Decisions | Comments (2)

What I am not saying and why…

After my previous post about the recent tragedy in the news I am feeling inspired to share what it is that we do here in our house when it comes to discipline. I’m going to make it a series so the posts don’t get too long. Though at this point I only have 2 posts in mind. We’ll call this first installment: What I am not saying and why.

Charley is nearly 20 months now and definitely reaching the age of boundary testing. She is a full-fledged toddler who throws fits when she is told no and lashes out with her body when she is frustrated. In general Charlotte has a very sweet temperament, she is more prone to sad crying than angry screaming and she is very much a first born in that she responds very well to positive reinforcement. She loves to “please” and be cheered on when she obeys. But there have been moments when I’m not sure how to respond to something she is doing. I set down a boundary and then have to figure out how to get her to respect it, and that is not always easy. I have had moments when I think a spanking or a time out is my only option…but Andy & I have agreed that before instituting either of these methods we will discuss it and make a plan for how it would be applied. This is helpful in keeping me from reacting in the heat of a moment in a way I would regret later.

So for this first installment let me clarify a few things that I am NOT saying.

First, I am not necessarily 100% against any and all spankings. As I grow older and get farther in my parenting journey though, it makes less & less sense to me. I have friends who use it the “right way” and have lovely children. But these are emotionally health adults who, for example in one family, were able to use discernment to realize that spanking was totally ineffective with one of their children and stopped using it because did not work for her. So I’ve seen people spanking “the right way” is, I suppose, the way to say it. And still, it is illogical to me. No matter the packaging in which you wrap it, in my mind it is always about physical power being exerted over another, fear, and conditioning. No matter what Tedd Tripp says I don’t think a spanking changes a child’s heart, I think it changes a behavior so the child can avoid a spanking. I also think spanking is easier more often than not than other options. It’s quick, decisive, over & done, and with many kids it works. They stop misbehaving. You can just look at them and say “Do you want a spanking?” and they immediately stop what they’re doing.  A lot of what we do with Charley takes much longer than that, but I will argue is also more effective.

All of that said, I strongly believe that emotionally health parents who agree together that spanking within reason is how they will discipline their children have the right to do so without me looking down my nose at them.

Secondly, I don’t hate time outs. I think they can work well, but I plan to use them in two ways: 1. As a cool-down zone for a kid who is overwhelmed and can’t control themselves; becoming dangerous to themselves & others and 2. To head off a possible problem. As in if I see a freak out coming, removing the child to a quiet place before it happens so they can make a better choice. So, that’s how I see a time out as a useful tool. I should also add that I don’t think a time out where a kid has to be alone is always helpful or effective. Often I think a child can calm down faster and get to a place of being able to apologize and move forward more quickly with an adult present to help them. Although I do think, based on personality and certainly age, that some kids do benefit from alone time.

February 27th, 2010 | Category: Parenting Decisions | Comments (5)

I think we’ve all experienced the pressure to perform, to succeed, to achieve. I am certainly familiar with it and have dealt with body image issues and insecurities, just like most women I know, but I never realized until I became a mother that the pressure to be perfect would extend to my mothering skills and even on to my children. I want to be seen as a successful, even “perfect” mother, and I want my children to be liked by other adults & children. I find myself getting frustrated when Charley is crying and upset in public because she is being denied something she wants, even though I know that developmentally she is entirely normal and healthy…I get embarrassed and frustrated all the same. I believe all mothers face these emotions.

And then to this desperate desire for my children to be “perfect” I add my desperate desire for them to grow up embracing a relationship with Jesus Christ. My greatest fear is that I will somehow fail in my responsibility to show Christ to my children and they will deny Him and turn away from Him. So if someone were to tell me “Hey, I’ve got the answer. I’ve got a way that you can raise your kids to be nearly perfect AND almost guarantee that they’ll love Jesus!”…my ears are going to perk up. And people DO say that. There are a lot of parenting books out there promising the answer, the way, the rules for raising perfect, Jesus following children. They may not be so bold as to come out and say it in quite those words (though sometimes they are, thinking of Doug Wilson’s Standing On the Promises), but that’s the gist. These books appeal to our hearts deepest desires. And these are good desires in a lot of ways. But isn’t that always how it works? The world, satan, whatever, takes something good and twists into something harmful?

But you know what? I’ve read a lot of those books…and this “answer”? It just isn’t there. And this “way:? Well it is there…His name was Jesus. And He told us “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life…” and He meant it. So as I strive to parent my children my prayer is that instead of looking for answers in books written by parenting “experts” I will look to Christ…and perhaps then my children will also.

I say all of this as my heart breaks over this story in the news recently. This family thought that they had found the way. That they knew how to raise their children up …by beating them down. I know many will say that this couple just did it wrong. That they were obviously not well, maybe mentally ill, and that caused them to take the “good” advice of Michael & Debi Pearl and twist it into something that caused the death of a child…but I think there is more to it than that. I think that if it is possible to get from point A to point B…something is wrong with point A. In response to the accusations that this family was influenced by the Pearls, Michael Pearl made this statement:

“If indeed these parents were abusive, and that has not yet been proven by the courts, it is regretful that our teachings were not able to turn them from their predisposition to abusive habits,” he stated.

Really? How on earth could their teachings turn a person AWAY from abusive parenting? My friend recently shared just some of what happens as a result of their teachings on her blog here. And it’s horrifying. Like I said, I think we need to seriously evaluate what is being taught in the name of Christ about how to raise our children. And the Pearls are not the only ones out there, they are not alone.

I am not necessarily 100% against any & all spanking. I think that for me, in my family, it’s not a tool I want or plan to use. And I certainly believe a family could use it, even on a regular basis, without ever reaching the level of abusiveness this family did, of course. But it doesn’t add up for me…looking to my heavenly Father and how He parents me, spanking just doesn’t make sense for me. I get that it seems to work…but I don’t think that whether or not it works is the only measurement for how useful something is. I respect that a competent, mentally healthy adult has the right to make this decision for their own family, but still…still…like I said before…if a teaching can lead someone to abusing their child, shouldn’t that teaching be viewed with serious skepticism?

Beyond a big debate about spanking, mostly my heart just aches tonight for the loss of that little girl and the terror she must have felt in her last moments of life. And for the parents who may have truly believed they were doing the “right” thing. May we all strive less for perfection, and more for love, compassion, and most of all, may we strive after Jesus.

February 18th, 2010 | Category: Deep thoughts, Faith, Parenting Decisions | Comments (4)

When Charley was born I knew I wanted to breastfeed her. (Stop reading here if you don’t want to read about this kind of nursing.) She took to it easily and we never had much trouble with it to begin. I think the problems came later and were mostly related to my own lack of knowledge. I had read a couple books about nursing and had grand intentions of nursing for a full year…but in the end I just didn’t stick with it. I gave up at 6 months for a lot of reasons, mostly selfish. I am not saying that women who stop nursing are selfish, I am saying that I was being selfish, please hear that difference. Now, I don’t need any pats on the back for making it to 6 months or reassurance that I’m not a “bad” mom for quitting. The reality is that I did, and I regret it. I regretted almost every single day for the next 6 months. Even now Charley is 18 months old and I wonder…what if? But it is what it is.

So now I have another shot. Another chance with Matthew. Thankfully he too has taken well to nursing and at 7 weeks now we’re going strong without any problems. I’m much better educated about the how’s and why’s of it all this time around, and I’m also much better prepared for when I return to work (a major hiccup in my breastfeeding relationship with Charley). At the rate I’m going now I should have about 300 oz of breastmilk pumped and frozen, ready for Matthew’s daycare consumption, when I return to work. Yes, you read that correctly. 300. Isn’t that nuts!?

How have I managed that? A few things. 1. I am blessed with a body that produces milk in abundance in response to my infant’s needs as well as my manipulation. 2. When I say manipulation I mean that after Matthew’s first feeding every morning I pump about 1 hour later…thus tricking my body into thinking he is eating more frequently and making more milk. You have to be careful with this as it can cause something called “oversupply” which can cause problems for the baby, but Matty is a trooper and he’s doing great. 3. My Medela double electric breast pump is fabulous and works like a charm. It was also free, so yay for that! 4. Knowledge. Through amazing mothers who support me and information available in books and on the web I am much better informed this time around. For example I now know that I have “Overactive Let-down” or “OAL” and what problems that could cause and how to counteract/deal with it. I had it with Charley as well and it contributed to our starting to supplement with formula (when I wouldn’t have had to if I’d known what OAL was).

I am really excited this time around about breastfeeding. I have done the formula & bottles thing before, I did for 6 months with Charley, and now I can say with certainty a few things. 1. It is not easier (FOR ME, again, FOR ME), 2. It does not help a child who is not sleeping “through the night” start doing that and 3. It is expensive. I needed to discover these things for myself, and armed with this knowledge I feel much better equipped to stick with it through the difficult times. I am not saying formula will never touch Matthew’s lips, I actually have no problem with it if we come to that for some reason, and I am not saying I have it all figured out. Only that I am really happy to be nursing my son and I look forward to continuing to do so for at least a year…now, beyond that…well, that’s a whole different post.

Great breastfeeding resources:

The Nursing Mother’s Companion

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding

Kelly Mom

La Leche League

Moms you know who have nursed their young ones…like me!

(I need to say one thing about The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: I am not comfortable with this books’ stance on breastfeeding and HIV positive mothers, nor do I agree with all of their views/opinions on child-rearing/discipline. That said, the information about the how-to’s and why’s of breastfeeding were immensely helpful to me.)

January 12th, 2010 | Category: Health, Kids, Motherhood, Parenting Decisions | Comments (5)

Pictures of the work we’ve done our house…be sure to thank me, this is a huge pain in my behind ;o)

This was the flooring in the kitchen, dining, family room & hallway. Also the hall bath.

Now this the flooring in the hallway, family & dining room

This was our hideous family room…note the “fake” fireplace. It is just the shape of a fireplace, it’s all drywall. Seriously, who does that?

After Andy fixed it, with new floors. I will come back and post a “final” picture of what the room looks like now.

This is the master bedroom “before” I’ll be back to post a “now” picture, including the previously forgot to mention totally redone closet right there. We installed a great closet system.

This is Charley’s room, no we did not keep the pepto bismol pink…blech.

A glimpse of Charley’s room. You can make out how there’s a lighter yellow stripe in the center of the wall, now I have cute brown with white polka-a-dot ribbon bordering the top & bottom of that stripe.

Before front of the house…wow. Andy & I look at these now and can’t believe we bought this house!

After. This is last December, a year ago, when it was first done. It’s really filled in a lot since then (with weeds…ha ha, no, it looks pretty good).

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for now. See here for the kitchen before and after shots!

January 10th, 2010 | Category: House remodel | Comments (6)